The journey was long and the company small and terrified, yet pleasant. When we finally arrived at the hallowed computer department my companion timidly approached Billy Corgan at the cash register. Okay, it wasn't actually Billy Corgan - it was a guy who looked like a young Billy Corgan with hair and a hipster stubble beard, dressed like a Mormon.
My companion spoke. Billy Corgan leaned down with a measure of irritation and informed her he couldn't hear her. She spoke again. Billy looked at me and said, "it's a laptop?"
"Super bad laptop." I corrected, looking into his eyes and nodding, with the straightest face anyone has ever made in their life. "Super bad laptop." he repeated with an amused smirk before he went to the back to retrieve it. As the minutes passed, my companion became more tremulous and skittish, reassuring me that my laptop would be coming soon, and that she was so, so sorry. She also explained that my laptop wouldn't be in a large box, but a small one. Good to know ahead of time. I might have thrown a fit, since I was expecting him to roll out with a box the size of a washing machine.
Billy came back with the laptop and handed it to my cashier. This is the point where whatever tenuous link I had with how to behave in public ended, full stop. Billy told me that "bags" were on sale for 15% off and offered to sell me one. Instead of saying, "No, thank you." like a sane, functioning member of society, I emitted a sound which, once repeated to husband, sent him into a fit of laughter. It was sort of the word "no", but how a pissed-off duck on quaaludes would say it.
Unswayed by my quacking, Billy offered me an extended warranty. "Naaawp!" I replied, screwing my face into a disdainful, exhausted expression. "Are you sure?" he pressed, "after fifteen days it's out of our hands." Because I am truly, at my core, an evil person when I haven't slept, I gave him hope by thinking about this for a few seconds. Then I quacked "no" a third and final time - but I put some stank on it. He gave up. I'm sure he wanted to punch me in the face and vagina concomitantly.