So You Want to Play Left 4 Dead 2 Versus Mode With Random People?

Obviously, the first thing you'll want to do is try to find a match. Judging by the time this takes, it can be assumed that nobody actually plays this game. The most logical conclusion is that upon starting the game up, they became so entranced by the menu screen that they stare at it for hours on end. Another possibility is that the other players themselves are actual fucking zombies.

"No plaaaay! NOOOO PLAAAAAAAY!"

It's a long and arduous task, which devolves into a metagame in itself. Hell, actually getting into a game is more rewarding than winning in the actual game. However, should you be fortunate enough to get into a game, it's time to sit back and enjoy some zombie slaying and survivor griefing, right?

"Wrong!"

Much like being an astronaut turd in a space toilet, you're quickly ejected into the cold blackness of space. That's right, the number one rule of Left 4 Dead 2 is that nobody wants to play the game with anybody. While it may seem kind of counter-intuitive to the games four-player co-op design, those are the rules. After the almost four hours of getting constantly kicked, most people decide that it would just be easier to start a room. It's certainly a logical train of thought, "Nobody else seems to want to play this game, but I sure do! I'll let everybody play in my room!" Well, about that…

Slightly different from your first course of action, you take the Kevin Costner "If you build it, they will come" strategy. Surely there's a group of malfeasants like yourself that have been kicked from so many lobbies that they sit on their freshly booted asses waiting to play the game, right? Well, for a second, you'll certainly believe this to be true. After a while, there is usually a steady flow of people that join in and are ready to play the game. After the jarring effect of seeing ACTUAL people joining shakes you from your liquor-coma, you can finally grasp that controller and get ready for some online mayhem. Actually, remember all that stuff I just said in the last paragraph?

"I lied!"

For reasons I can't fathom, people refuse to be coaxed into playing this game. They jump in and out of these rooms like a group of seven year old girls being chased away by the ocean. It seems that when they finally get into the lobby, they instantly leave as if they've been deceived in some way. Possibly running on the mental process of "This isn't the Left 4 Dead 2 I was looking for. Perhaps if I continuously join random rooms for the next hour…" How they make such an observation based on the 3 microseconds they spend in the room is beyond me. It's baffling how they can spend money on a game just so they can NOT play it. Last time I checked, not playing a game is free jackasses. It's the equivalent of buying a movie ticket and standing in the lobby for two seconds before leaving.

"Worst ten bucks I've ever spent!"

Eventually you'll be lucky enough to start the game before people are actually able to quit and you'll finally be faced with a strange new task…

Ah, so here you are, bright eyed and bushy tailed with about three to four hundred hours already logged in L4D2. Too fucking bad zero of those have been spent actually playing the god damned game. It's the real world equivalent of putting a ten year old asian kid behind the wheel of a race car in the Indy 500. Hey, but this game is all about teamwork right? Your team will make up for your lack of experience! Well while you're still cleaning the shit out of your pants due to the fact that you're finally participating in a game, it'd help to notice that the teammates you spent so long to acquire have all quit.

There's not much else to say.

For reasons unknown, the stragglers who aren't fast enough to quit before the game starts always make up for it within the first five seconds. For these people, we here at Gamerhandles are considering marketing a new Xbox 360 controller to better suit their style of play.

You can just make out the check to "Cash"

If by some incredible miracle none of this is applicable to you, then pinch yourself, because you're probably dreaming. However, if you do actually find yourself in a playable game, get ready to watch it devolve into the video game equivalent of a three year olds temper tantrum.

Now that you've finally inserted yourself into the seemingly private club of the active L4D2 community, prepare to be massively disappointed. Rational thinking would lead anyone to believe that an individual willing to endure the tortuous buildup would be extremely dedicated to the actual game itself. Well, that's definitely not the case as the personas you'll find yourself allied with are about the worst teammates you could ask for.

"It's showtime!"

It won't take long for you to figure out if you're in a room with this type of player. Treating the opening banter between the survivors as a linesman's gunshot, these individuals take off like Secretariat.

Not only are they not worried about you or any other teammates, they're not even worried about the zombies. Their only goal is to run through the level as quick as possible, not concerning themselves with anything. Of course, they'll wonder why they got killed by a hunter while they were a mere 340 miles away from the rest of the team. So unfortunately, since you can't channel your inner "I Dream of Genie" and teleport to where they're at, they'll take this personally and rage quit.

Pictured above: Your future teammates.

If you're lucky enough for your team mate not to leave you in a cloud of dust like The Road Runner, then your luck is about to run out. Statistics say that anybody who doesn't fall under Subject A's criteria will most definitely fall under Subject B's. Possibly holding playing a video game and working together in close company with ideals like quantum physics and rocket science, this group makes the most mundane tasks impossible.

This is just the tip of the iceberg too, as we've yet to even discuss infected play. It can always be assumed that any role fun or important (Charger or Tank) will always default to the biggest idiot on your team. Whether it be running in circles on fire, or chasing someone on foot as a Hunter for ten miles, these imbeciles will always do everything in their power to play the game incorrectly. Sure it's fun to pick on them for a while, but just like that snotty kid who would take his ball away when he was losing, all of these people just revert back to the good ol' rage-quitting you're so accustomed to by now.

Well there you have it, a short guide (and, by accident, an Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute) which is a true testament to the horrifically bad L4D2 community. Oh what's that? You were expecting maybe Subject C or something? Well there isn't one because that's what playing Left 4 Dead 2 online boils down to: Surrounding yourself with the biggest collection of quitters, dumbasses, and shitheads possible. So enjoy that sixty bucks you just spent on a game you'll never get to play.