by Logan

March 3, 2009

Pumpkinhead is a campy 1988 horror movie starring Lance Henriksen. A group of pissant teenagers go on a vacation and accidentally kill Henriksen's only son. This pisses off Henriksen in such a profound manner that he hikes his ass through the woods in search of an old witch named Haggis. She hooks him up with some satanic spells and conjours up a demon known locally as "Pumpkinhead." What ensues is a classic tale of revenge and a total massacre.

Pumpkinhead clearly doesn't overachieve in any respects, which is totally what makes it fucking awesome. Horror movies were never intended to be Oscar-winning triumphs, they were meant to be totally absurd and kickass. When the teenagers are off gloating in their cabin talking about how hot shit they are, Pumpkinhead comes barging through the woods ready to take them down a peg. There are so many asses getting kicked that your's might become sore just from watching! Pumpkinhead is basically invulnerable, which totally adds to his badassery. They throw everything they got at this gigantic bastard, and he doesn't even flinch. I remember them beating him, shooting him, and even flamethrowing that ass.

The plot is simple and concise. This usually leads to just bewilderment as movies tend to tell you absolutely nothing at all, but this movie actually makes sense. It sets the movie up and then blows straight through it without too much bullshit. The acting isn't half bad either. I mean there aren't any Oscar nominations here, but that's only because there isn't a Best Assbeater in a Badass Role Award.

The key to this movie isn't the acting or the plot, but the monster itself. Pumpkinhead is just the quintessential horror movie monster. Fuck all of this new age CGI crap. What happened to the movie monsters that scared you even though you knew they were fake? I know Pumpkinhead made me want to shit myself when I was a little kid. Hell, he still kind of does. After watching it, you'll have thoughts like "God damn if I ever run into Pumpkinhead, I'm totally fucked!!" Pumpkinhead just looks like he's enjoying himself the whole movie. He's gutting these teenagers left and right and just keeps this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time. Occasionally, he'll toss some people about 50 yards just for kicks, but most of the time he just claws their trechia out. The clear pinnacle of the movie is when they say something along the lines of "Get to the church, he can't harm us in there!" They climb in there thinking they're safe until Pumpkinhead just BARGES in there daring anyone to fuck with him. The movie climaxes in a clusterfuck where everyone basically has to give into Pumpkinhead and admit inferiority.

Pumpkinhead kicks ass. It's in the same vein as all the other kickass 80's horror movies only it wasn't smashed into obscurity by sequel after sequel. There are 3 other Pumpkinhead movies out there however. The first came out relatively close to the first and it totally sucks. The other two were made only recently and are mediocre at best. Don't be fooled though, because these movies are just brought down by horrible acting and dumb plots. Pumpkinhead still reigns supreme and kicks all sorts of ass. If you're shameless like me and can let go of all your reservations and enjoy a cheesy horror flick, then definitely watch Pumpkinhead. You get mad street cred too. I mean think about it. While all of your pussy friends are talking about the latest Saw film, just bust out the fact that you've seen Pumpkinhead. Of course, they'll all look at you crazy thinking "I don't know what that is, but I don't want to fuck with anyone who has seen it!" Definitely go watch this one.